Snooze Radio

The world's richest people enjoy smug predictions that our huge, biased and therefore untrustworthy global media empires will soon be toppled - and perhaps not before time.  Our 'Legacy Media' is apparently fated to be over-run by social media news platforms streaming live content produced by the users, for the users and above all, enshrining the user's freedom of speech.  This will give everyone A Voice and of course, access to The Truth.

""You hear that Mr Murdoch ? 
That is the sound of inevitability. 
It is the sound of your death."

It is no secret that in the last 40 years, 90% of the global film, TV and print media we consume has been consolidated under just 6 owners.

This global accretion is similarly mirrored on national levels.  Local newspapers in the US have folded faster than any time previously while the UK's distinctive local radio stations have fallen prey to ever-hungry national networks.

One after another the UK has seen local radio stations swallowed up by the national networks such as Global and Bauer then regurgitated under their syndicated brands such as Capital, Heart, Smooth, Classic, Hits, Absoute and Magic.  In this way they roll out the same presenters, content and advertising across the nation, replacing  local stations which previously employed local people to deliver local content financed by local advertisers.  Today even the largest of the local stations like Liverpool's Radio City have found that ultimately, resistance was futile.

BBC - The Future of Local Radio

The seduction of social media, podcasts and music streaming are all seen to have drawn listeners and advertisers from local radio, leaving them commercially vulnerable for assimilation by the national networks.  However the good news is that the same net-based technology is now enabling local yokels to stealthily push a renaissance of local radio from their dusty attics, pimped sheds and mouldy garages using their own home computers. 

The Fight Back

The target audience might range from a village of a few hundred to a town as large as 20,000. While not household names, the DJs are fun, the music is rocking and the ads are entertaining - if made on a shoestring. The age of the contributors is only betrayed by occasional references to obscure things like carburettors, Blockbuster Video or Woolworths which mean nothing to anyone born in this millenium.

What might be called Very Local Radio can now get you out of bed in the morning via an app on your mobile instead of over the airwaves.  Sponsored by local businesses and advertising friendly services on your doorstep, these stations aim to mend our frayed social fabric, restore cohesion in our communities and engage our hearts and minds to support local worthy causes.  They offer you up-to-the-minute details of what everyone is doing and everything you can stick your nose into in your  neighbourhood. Frankly it is just what every busy-body has been pining for.  

However, for people living in quiet little backwaters where connections to the gas and sewage grids are still considered passing trends, these stations often present local events with an importance equal to global affairs. Nine times out of ten, much like social media, when you find out what is going on, you realise you probably didn't need to know about it anyway .......

".....and to wrap up the international news headlines for those who just joined us;

Ø President Trump today signed an Executive Order for a military invasion of Massachusetts and 4 other states which earlier this week declined to air all four hours of his inauguration speech

Ø South Polar ice caps are melting so quickly that surfers in Rio De Janeiro can now refill ice for their caipirinhas directly from the beach

Ø North Korea's Super Supreme Leader has denied any knowledge of the world's greatest cyber-hack in which all the accounts of both Microsoft and Apple were emptied into 1,753 global accounts held by 21 members of his direct family.

And now the local news sponsored by The Posh Paws Pet Crematorium, brought to you by Agatha Wimple from our Dry Blackthornbury Radio news desk:

Following a highly controversial and some claim 'unprecedented' decision by the Commune of Stockington Bogside, paint will be drying simultaneously this evening on two adjacent park benches in the local Strawberry Playing Fields. A spokesperson for the Parks Committee who wished to remain anonymous but also requested to be identified as they/them explained;

"Kudos to our hardworking bros' who turned around this highly inclusive consultation in less than two years. They defied critics who claimed it was a reckless misuse of public funds to put not only the colour of the wood stain but also the finish of the varnish to a popular vote of all 2,257 inhabitants of Stockington Bogside, even though the benches are only used by the same six people each weekday with two additional users each weekend. Power to The People, the People have spoken," they concluded emphatically.

The decision to paint both benches together, to reduce the call-out fees of the council's Timber Lifetime Optimisation Strategists, famously caused skirmishes this summer amongst customers queuing outside the local chippy; 'Sparky's - for chips without hips'. Said one octogenarian who fought bravely before sadly losing her battered savaloy sausage to a passing Beagle in The Great Scuffle;

"Since my mother enrolled me in the parish playschool those benches have always been recoated one each side of the May Bank Holiday. Nobody has ever had the affrontery to recoat both benches at the same time. This is simple intimidation by the flithy Marxist malcontents of Stockington Bogside who want to flex their muscles after splintering from Upper Stockington. It is symptomatic of the lazy, unimaginative, penny-pinching management which is driving our parish onto the rocks. Although it has to be said that the county council is no better. I'd bet a pound to a penny they would probably employ foreigners to do the job."

The stalemate was finally broken by a hastily convened triumvirate comprising The Master of the local Masonic Lodge, The Standard Bearer of the local Rotary Club and The Grand Shoe from the local Worshipful Company of Cordwainers. The latter being a trade guild whose Royal Charter grants them two unique privileges. Firstly their much-vaunted but seldom-practiced right to drive sheep over London Bridge at whim. Secondly their right to ask for a girl's hand in marriage from the age of twelve. Stimpsons your family friendly lawyers in the High Street gave us free advice, caveated with 121 pages of fine printed duplex, not to speculate how often the Cordwainers might have practiced this right, if ever, at all, allegedly.

The triumvirate dutifully heard arguments all night until the petitioners had either fallen asleep, been taken home or in the case of Mr Thrubble taken to a better place. At the third crow of the cockerel (on a very short term loan from Hargreaves Butchers & Poulters - catering for parties and conferences as far afield as Chipping Crockery) the triumvirate secretly voted to set aside decades of tradition, allow simultaneous recoating of both benches and thereby confirmed Stockington Bogside's self-determination in the matters of its park facilities.

In a selfless gesture of reconcilliation, Lance Corporal Ernest, who last bore arms for the nation in Singapore, volunteered to stand guard during the night to ensure that no paramours tried anything vigorous on the benches after dark while the varnish was still tacky.

"It's them impulsive young'uns in their fifties you have to watch out for," he observed with seasoned wisdom. "Their sprogs have flown the nest, they've got disposable income for the first time in their lives and after a little blue pill or two they think they're Kirk Douglas all over again. Well they won't besmirch these benches, not on my watch."

And now the weather courtesy of Basil & Brush, offering bespoke property solutions no matter how discerning your needs, brought to you by Angela Thrubble with our deepest sympathies on the recent passing of her father. 

"Oh thank you, my lovely, very kind. He would have loved that; a mention on local radio. Yes indeed we're in for a lot of weather this weekend, much more weather than we normally have this time of year. In fact it's hard to say when we last had this much weather, especially as it is all coming in from the north west.

"So, a bit of a mixed bag as we like to say.  This morning saw most of us clearing snow drifts up to 4 feet deep. These took the local authority West Smugchester completely by surprise, coming just a day after the local A&E dept was overwhelmed with admissions for sun burn and heat stroke.  One shepherdess known locally as Vertically Challenged Bo Peep, is searching for about 400 sheep lost in the drifts, assisted by infra-red imaging provided by A1 Drone Surveys which can be found not just in the High Street but hovering just about everywhere within a 20 minute radius of Dry Blackthornbury.  This afternoon most of us will see about as much rain as normally falls when the monsoon breaks over Delhi.  Doctor Foster, making house calls in Gloucester, has reportedly already fallen into a puddle right up to his middle and has vowed never to go there again.  And with that, back to the studio."

And to bring us up to the half hour, Agony Aunt Sister Hope Springs Eternal sponsored by Sweet Dreams Beds and Sofas advises listeners who emailed from the US with the following dilemma;

'Ever since we were married my husband and I have been slavishly devoted to our gorgeous ginger tomcat which we lovingly named 'Springsteen'.  Of course, both being loyal MAGA supporters we were very disappointed when the veteran rocker openly took issue with our nation's greatest ever president.  We now feel nothing but disgust and betrayal for someone we considered an indelible part of our lives; someone we thought we knew. It's almost impossible to look at his furry little duplicitous face any more without feeling stabbed in the heart. My husband is in favour of simply taking him down to the river and drowning him in a sack but I say that's way too good for him. We should dump him in the National Park where he can take his chances against the coyotes and mountain lions to suffer the slow lingering death that he deserves.  Frankly we've been bickering for days now and we just need to know what to do.'

Sister Hope advises that the Lord shares our pain and bears the weight of our struggles while reminding us that we are all God's creatures and that as such; cats' lives matter. 

And now over to Rory Shott-Gunn with all the latest updates on the day's sporting fixtures......."