'Unprofitable' Justice League to be Dismantled Immediately

 Superheroes told to Stand Down Indefinitely.

The Whitehouse Press Corps was left dumbfounded this evening as the new Administration announced an Executive Order instructing the complete and immediate dismantling of the Justice League.  This includes Cease and Desist orders, effective immediately, issued against founding members Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman.  

Since 1960 the League has enjoyed unparalleled success protecting the USA and it allies.  Despite its relative autonomy and the invincibility of its members, the League has remained politically impartial, countered threats with proportionate responses and prized justice over vengence or punishment.  Superior alien technologies enables the League to protect earth at very little cost making it exceptional value for money.  The Administration's motives were unclear until the President made the following announcement;

"For far too long, the fine men and women of the Justice League - and I like the women especially, who do you suppose makes their tiny little outfits ? - have worked tirelessly to keep our planet safe.  And while I'm personally not a great fan of how justice works in this country, we appreciate their sacrifice - well many of us do, well some at least - the truth is, they have been going about it all wrong; totally wrong. They have been doing all this goody-two-shoes stuff for free. Totally free.  Essentially they're running a charity and it's not a good look.  

A good look; Wonder Woman started fighting Axis forces on Europe's front lines in 1941

He continued;

"Now, I'm just saying; maybe this was how things were done in the 1940s, but you have to remember that was wartime, which was probably the worst time ever until Obama and Biden came along.  In those days we had black and white TV, itchy flannel underwear and very noisy refrigerators. But those times have gone.  Thanks to me, times have never been better; we now have cable, silk boxers and our fridges are as quiet as ninjas.  I like the word 'Ninja', that's a great word isn't it? Ninja, ninja, ninja.  The point is this the 21st Century; we have market forces, supply and demand and the Justice League should not be giving away the sort of protection from which America could be making a vast fortune; vast.  They lose and we lose, it's a lose-lose situation but I'm a winner so I'm instructing them all to step down, or else.  

"My people have already  seized the Justice League's financial accounts; I told them to go through everything with a fine tooth comb.  Do you know what they found ?  Nothing, nada, niente.  In the last 85 years these superfreaks have not charged anything for their services; they have not turned a single dime in profit.  Not once.  Believe me, I am one of the world's most successful tycoons; I've run my fair share of businesses - many of them, right into the ground.  In fact few people have bankrupted more casinos than I have in just one lifetime.  But the Justice League have done worse, much worse, the worst. I know the truth hurts but they are unprofitable, a danger to themselves and an embarassment to the USA. Maybe that was OK under Sleepy Joe but not on my watch.  

"Protecting the weak from oppression ? Securing their dignity and freedom ?  We can't have people zipping about all over the place in tight pants, capes and invisible planes doing all that stuff for free.  This is a huge and lucrative market and it needs to be exploited, it needs to be monetised. I'm a big picture guy; freedom is not a right, it's a commodity.  Providing protection, that's a business; well, it used to be a racket but now it's a business.  And we're going to make it our business.  It's time for freeloaders around the world to wake up and smell the coffee. Freedom has a price and today is where the defenceless have to start paying.  So, as they used to say; '....If you have a problem, if no one else can help, if you can afford us, then maybe you can hire the US of A-Team'.  So that would make me Hannibal; Hannibal Lecter, with the cigar." 

When asked how the founders of the Justice League were reacting to the news, the president confirmed that federal agents have already locked down the Hall of Justice, seized its equipment and sent all its staff home on notice of termination.  The president continued;

"In our great nation, the greatest nation ever, which I am making greater than ever before, nobody, not one single person - except someone who is president - is ever above the law.  Also, the whole world needs to be assured, beyond doubt, even the tiniest of  doubts, that nobody is more powerful than your president.  Me.

"So today I summoned to the Oval Office a veteran superhero who needs early retirement.  After subduing him by opening a lead box full of kryptonite - a neat trick I learned from my good friend Lex Luthor - I told the once-invincible 'Superman' that the time has come for him to hang up his cape and to take off those girly, kinky, red 'booties' for the last time, because we no longer need the protection of cross-dressing weirdos like him.  We will make America great again without his help, thank you very much.  

I said to him;

'Son, your country thanks you for your service but your fight is now over.  It's time to leave this to the grown-ups.  Today nobody wants 'Truth, Justice and the American Way'; there are simply no votes in that outdated stuff.  Now we want capitalism, nepotism and an end to wokeism.  We don’t need positive female role models so we're gonna send Wonder Woman back to her secret island while we strip out the tech from her invisible jet to use for our military.'

"Anyway, I told Superman - did you know he calls himself Kal-El ?  I mean how un-American is that ? - I told him not to take it too hard; he's had a great run.  He kept the world safe for 90 years, in which time he's also wooed some fabulous chicks.  I mean that Lois Lane; did you ever see anyone fill out a bikini better than she does ?  And when she came out of the lake, I mean you could really see how cold the water was.  

Better times:

"Don't worry, I've got you."

"You've got me ?  Who's got you ?"

"So, we're going to keep Superman subdued, for his own safety.  Did you know, by the way, that he has no right to be here in the US ?  Yup the guy has no residence permit, no Green card.  You know what that makes him? An illegal alien, which is not good for him.  Bad even, perhaps very bad, or even worse.  I've issued orders to detain him until he can be deported back home, which I'm told might take some time.

"I don't know, maybe, I'm just saying, 'maybe' we should all just be a little offended that Superman has never really voiced any gratitude for the hospitality shown to him by our great nation.  I mean, a nation which not only fostered him through his childhood but gave him the opportunity to showcase all the powers which made him such a global celebrity.  I mean basically we, his loyal fans, we made this guy who he is today and did you ever hear him say even one word of thanks, huh ?  I'm just saying, I think maybe we have the right to feel a bit offended.  I really do.      

"And you know where he lives in that Fortress of Solitude? He never filed a permit for that. My people  checked. It has no permit so it's coming down. Down, baby, down.  Admittedly we'll have to find it first but how hard can that be?  I have my best people on it. 

"Speaking of which my next Executive Order will be to appoint my close friend and highly successful business mogul Lex Luthor as our new National Security Advisor.  I'm giving him full executive powers to restructure all our government agencies so they bypass the judiciary and the legislature and answer directly to me.  Believe me, it's safer this way.  For me certainly.  I've already quashed his impressive run of felony convictions which number almost as many as mine, but then again, who's counting ?  I mean it's just details. Tiny details, itty, bitty details. "    

Lex Luthor, another failed real estate mogul, now National Security Advisor

Lex replaces Elon as my closest advisor. Elon left me this note on his way out the door to catch his flight to Mars. It says 'Good luck, we won't be back, Elon & Melania'.  Which is kind of funny really 'cos my wife is also called Melania and she absolutely loves Elon's Tesla. Mind you she's pretty much learned to love everything battery-powered since she met me. But that's another story."

As night falls on another day filled with more questions than answers, we must wait, we must hope; we must believe that one hero is still out there who can save us all ....