Counting Sheep

Not long ago Britain was almost unknown to the civilised world and by early accounts, it had to be seen to be believed.  Rare descriptions of its people noted;

"They wear their hair long and shave all their bodies except their heads and upper lip.  Wives are shared between groups of ten or twelve men; especially between brothers, fathers and sons.  

They dye their bodies with woad which produces a blue colour, making them appear daunting in battle." 

Such accounts tempted people to leave the comforts of cities as far away as Rome to come to see for themselves.  And so a long history of unwelcome boats crossing the channel was about to begin ....

"Oi !  Clear Awwff "

The city was hot, the air was heavy, the Tiber stank.

Caesar was anxiously pacing the cool marble floor barefoot around his pool.  Calpurnia entered from their bedchamber, pulling a toga around her otherwise naked body as something of an afterthought.

"Husband ?  You cannot sleep ?  Does something trouble you ?  
Or perhaps you are not well ?   Shall I call a doctor ?"

"It's this infernal heat, Wifey, " gruffed Caesar, "You know how insufferable I find Rome this time of year.  This week the city has been so uncomfortable that I am seriously considering re-invading Britain of all places. Right now I would trade anything for a beach where hail, sleet, rain and fog are chased by teeth-chattering winds driven by grey clouds from a black sea.  We both know there is only one place which guarantees summers like that - and not even the Underworld comes close.  Am I finally taking leave of my senses?"

Julius Caesar first enjoyed the Great British weather for himself in 54BC.

Back in France the mischievious Gauls ran riot in his absence, forcing a swift return and some severe retribution.

Here Gallic Chief Vercingetorix surrenders after a 2 year seige of Alesia

"Not at all Husband, we all find August a little overbearing.  To be honest it might be nice if someone declared the entire month a holiday so we could all retreat to the country or the cool foothills of the mountains until the heat passes. But fortunately we have the pool here so if you wish to cool off privately just give the command and I will call the slaves to bathe you."

"Be warned Calpurnia," cautioned Caesar, pointing downwards, "the marble here is treacherously slippery when wet.  Last month my youngest Praetorian, Inequilibrius, slipped base over apex just there,  spearing himself in through the jaw and out through the eye-socket.  As if that wasn't bad enough he had the temerity to lay there convulsing in spasms for an impolitely tedious period simply watching his own life's blood drain across the floor.  It upset the mastiffs horribly I tell you; put them right off their lunch, by Jupiter.  It then took weeks to drain the pool to scrub the red out of the stonework.  The whole thing was damned inconsiderate.  Not the kind of drama a Dictator of Rome should have to endure in his own home I tell you."

"Very well my dear," continued Calpurnia undaunted, "but aside from the heat and the sobriety of our mastiffs, is there anything else vexing my dear Husband?" 

"Oh do not worry yourself, dearest, it shall pass.  Even the Great Caesar cannot escape the The Furies when they ride out on a moonless night to torment resting souls. "

"Well," yawned Calpurnia sleepily, "I should like to know what you have done to offend these Furies.  The markets are full of food, our legions are prevailing in all corners of the Republic and the senate is reduced to discussing - of all things - the extension of the city's  sewer system.  The prestige and authority of Rome has never been higher.  What more could The Furies ask of Rome's Keeper ?"

"Yes my dear, you are not wrong of course, but I despair that the chattering classes persist in promoting idle discontent and ghastly 'fashionable ideas' all throughout our great city."

" 'Fashionable ideas' ," Calpurnia replied dismissively, "come and go in an instant.  Next week nobody will remember what they discussed this week for they will either have a new grumble, a new worthy cause to promote or probably both.  What have you have heard that could keep you awake at night ?"

Caesar sat, sighed and shook his head slowly.  Calpurnia stood behind her husband, gently massaging his neck and shoulders.  Caesar sat up straight, nestling the back of his head between Calpurnia's cleavage, her bare breasts gently rubbing against his ear lobes.  Life's greatest pleasures were indeed the simple ones.  
  
"I want to give the citizens of Rome the very best.  I want the uncivilised savages of the world to envy the life of every citizen of the Republic.  But somehow I fear that our efforts are increasingly in vain; the more we give our citizens, the more they want. And perhaps worse, the less effort they make to get what they want and the less happy they are to get it.  In short; they are becoming soft, lazy and malcontented.  Some sort of modern disease I should not wonder.  Satisfying them is becoming a struggle worthy of Sisyphus himself."

"Do not take it so seriously dear," contested Calpurnia, "Complaining is easy, that is why everybody is so good at it.  Rome's great unwashed positively enjoy it.  A problem aired is a problem shared or whatever they say.  And I think my dear that maybe you have to take a little responsibility here."

"Me ?  Why ?  How so ?", asked Caesar, genuinely confused.

"Well it is no secret that the very best people at complaining, by no small measure, are the religious zealots.  Not least the ones from Judea and their cousins from Israel whom you deem to favour time and time again, right here in Rome under your very nose."

"Zealots from Judea ?  Favour ?  Well … if truth be told I have to feel sorry for them - if only because nobody else does.  They readily admit they are not the most popular of people, however quite aside from their incessant wailing and gnashing of teeth, the truth is they are also very, very good with money - especially accounting and taxes.  Can you believe that in less than a year the Judeans have implemented a new taxation system which is so detailed and vexing that with few exceptions they are now the only people with the skills to understand it?"  

Calpurnia, 3rd or 4th wife of Caesar; modest and discretely tolerant of his bed-hopping marathons

Calpurnia gently massaged Julius' temples with the pads of her thumbs, simultaneously biting her lower lip while rolling her eyes to the ceiling;  

"Tell me my Husband, that you DO perceive how very convenient it is - for the Judeans - that all of Rome's finances now depend upon a system of which only they understand the cogs and levers of its mechanism ?"

Caesar craned his neck back to look up;

"My dearest Wifelet, I am not sure which worries me more; that the Judeans could be so fiendish or that you could be so cynical."

"Perhaps, my dear," Calpurnia whispered softly, "you should worry whether it is beyond the Judeans to be both so fiendish and so cynical ?"

"Calpurnia please.  I would only invite you to look more kindly on the Judeans.  A case in point; my personal accountant, what's his name?  The one you called a 'slimy toad' who makes your flesh crawl ?"

"Subcutaneous, dear."

"Yes, indeed, Subcutaneous, that's the fellow; well he saved me a fortune this year.  I had no idea I could write off the cost of replacing all the slaves who died in my service last year.  Can you believe it ?  Not only those who died of accident, illness or childbirth but even the miserable wretches who died of flogging, starvation and young Octavius' unpromising archery skills.  It is true the Judeans have some rigid views but perhaps this is what we need at a time when people are slowly becoming too accustomed to the comforts which Rome affords them.  Besides, somehow I feel guilty to refuse such a desperately sad and forlorn bunch of people.  Are you honestly unmoved by their stories ?"

  

"Well Husband I admit the Judeans are not backwards about coming forwards - especially when there is an opportunity to wear their hearts on their togas."

"But Calpurnia, by their own accounts they have been hounded out of every land they ever tried to settle.  Their plight is truly hard to ignore," implored Caesar. 

"Yes, yes and I must say I also find that just a little dubious Gaius," said Calpurnia rolling her eyes again.  "After all, Brutus has been thrown out of every respectable taverna in the Greek Quarter, so is it inappropriate to wonder if the problem actually lies with Brutus ?"

"Oh Brutus," waved Caesar dismissively, "the laziest oaf I ever met.  He is just another itinerant peasant."

"Ah beware the idlers of March my love; each moment they are not beside you, they are plotting in quiet corners about how to supplant you."

"Supplant me?" scoffed Caesar, "He is not bright enough to know the sharp end of a knife from the handle even if he cut himself with it.  Let us speak of someone more worthy of our time at this hour.  The point is that Judeans are harmless underdogs and someone has to support them since their religion is too dull to ever catch the public imagination.  Nobody wants to hear about burning bushes and dragging stone tablets down from mountain-tops; it's much too old-school.  We write on papyrus these days, by Jupiter.  The public want good old Roman sagas of love, lust and infidelity."

"Oh certainly," mocked Calpurnia, "as if we do not have enough of that in our daily city life.  What I will never understand is all their 'One omnipotent god' stuff.  Much too dreary; surely the advantage of having many gods is obvious ? If one deity does not answer our prayers then we have others we can appeal to.  If Rome had just one god and we upset him then we might find ourselves banished to the wilderness for the next 40 years until he forgives us.  And that would simply never do, would it?"

"No, never," mused Caesar, slipping unnoticed into deep thought.

The Isrealites Passing Through the Wilderness preceeded by a pillar of light, William West 1793-1861.

Godwash: today modern scholars consider the Exodus from Egypt as a tall back story, to be taken with a pillar of salt, lacking any archaeological or genetic evidence.

"And," continued Calpurnia in full flow, "does anyone believe their epic exodus-from-Egypt charade ?  I would bet both my Slav masseuses that in truth the pharaoh simply exiled them all for their incessant whinging.  We can thank Mars that our dearly departed Crassus knew exactly how to reward ungrateful slaves.  Nothing exemplifies the authority of Rome like 6000 crucified men rotting in the bright summer sun along the roadside to ensure that the name of Spartacus is never again spoken aloud."

"But all the same my dear," cautioned Caesar, "the ideals of Spartacus and the Judeans are but different waves rising on the same tide.  They both offer freedom for their people, whether taken by sword or promised by god; it is a powerful message which easily seduces those who feel oppressed.  Have you noticed how the story of the Judean's tribes is reassuringly militant; an endless tapestry of smiting, revenge and sacrifice ?  They see their future as an extension of their past - as one continuous struggle.  Their faith is designed to keep the fight alive in their people during peacetime until they inevitably return to war.  They present no threat to Rome since their faith does not appeal to a wider audience; their struggle means nothing outside of their tribes."  

"Then my dear, at the risk of repeating myself, I fail to understand the torments with which The Furies are keeping you awake this evening ?" persisted Calpurnia.

"Alas, I worry for our citizens and their endless appetite for idle entertainment over diligent labour or study.  Those that do not waste away their hours in the baths or the arenas do so in the amphitheatres or the brothels.  They have no interest to educate themselves, only to exchange lascivoius speculation about somebody's curious absence from last night's orgy.  Our dullards have lost the desire to serve Rome with military service; meanwhile most of our scholars prefer poetry over rhetoric and a life in politics.  Our citizens are now so complacent with their comfortable lifestyle that soon they will take it for granted," despaired Caesar. 

"You are worried that our citizens are too happy, my Lord?", repeated Calpurnia, mildly incredulous.

"Yes of course !" confirmed Caesar, some irritation now becoming evident.  "Because their addiction to an easy life will erode their appetite for opposition and confrontation.  Before you know it Rome will be awash with foolish notions of dialogue, compromise, compassion and other 'soft vices' which will dilute our hard-won Roman authority.  It will not be long before some charismatic peasant staggers barefoot out of a quiet provincial desert, incoherent after chewing some shrub, preaching nonsense about peace, love and understanding.  

"I can see it now; he will attract huge crowds of gullible adherents who want a better life without working for it.  His messages will be socially divisive; like all men being born equal under god - which means 'free' of course, there will be no room for enslaved men or your Slav masseuses in his utopia.  He will discretely criticise Rome, promoting the virtues of being kind rather than being assertive as a rebuke to Rome's authority.  He will preach that compassion for others promotes compassion for all and in turn a better world for everyone.  From there it will be one short step to suggesting we forgive others - including our enemies - who wrong us instead of punishing them.  The key to shepherding all these sheep will be to tell them that god's grace is reserved for the poor and the faithful, not the rich and the powerful.  'The meek shall inherit the world' or perhaps the kingdom of god or everlasting life, or maybe all of it.  Our country bumpkins have such soft brains that such seductive ideas will be enough to win them all over.

"I tell you Calpurnia, it is essential that Rome continues to define Roman life and rituals, otherwise our customs and our very identity will be subsumed.  If we allow the peasants to start their own grass-roots religion, designed by one of their own and prioritising salvation of their own kind, there will follow a wave of populist fervour such as the world has never seen before; it will be a wave that will make Spartacus, the Judeans and all else look like mere ripples before it.  It might even be unstoppable.  Before we know it, they will even have created their own sad, socially marginalised 'history' to rival the suffering of the Judeans.  Perhaps a child born to an unmarried mother and unemployed father, forced to make an arduous journey, probably under the callous authority of Rome, with no money and with nowhere to live.  No doubt there will be some divine light from heaven to rival the pillar of smoke and fire which guided the Israelite's flight from Egypt.  But of course there will be socially inclusive improvements to their story.  As proof that their god is equally accessible to everyone, their story will include adoration from foreigners who come from far and wide to show fealty.  Worship by kings and shepherds alike.  Can you see it ?  I can see it clearly enough to reach out and touch it - and it is dangerous Calpurnia.  Warm and reassuring religions, especially those espousing social equality must be stamped out like one stamps out a wildfire, because for sure it will take hold with the same ferocity if ignored."

Caesar finished with a heavy sigh, removing his ears from between Calpurnia's breasts.  He stood, turning to face her.  Braving the heat and the stuffiness she stood closer, slipping her arms around his waist, tilting her face up to look first at his lips, then his nose and finally into his eyes, which were not cold, but distant.  He was still troubled.

"Husband I hear what you say and I understand it even, but you are the master of all the furthest reaches of Rome.  You only have to give the command and you will be obeyed; simply give whatever orders you see fit to prevent these things occurring and they will be done.  If a man only needs to worry about the things he cannot control then it follows that a man who controls everything surely has no worries.  How can The Furies still trouble you so ?"  Calpurnia entreated.

"My dear Wifey." Caesar replied, gently lifting her arms from his waist to resume pacing to and fro.  "Roman identity relies on our vigilance to suppress any temperance of our laws and customs.  I will not subscribe to idle bathhouse chatter that we should be more lenient with lesser criminals.  Clearly we cannot fine people who have no money so they have to be flogged, maimed or executed for their transgressions - it is that simple.  Some murmur that we should execute criminals 'mercifully' because the cruelty of crucifixion breeds resentment of our soldiers and distresses our children.  I say our soldiers need to be feared and our children should learn to walk past a man without feeling compassion for his suffering.  Would they have us lock away our convicts indefinitely and give charity to every beggar who has not eaten?  

"You look at me harshly Calpurnia but anything less invites social decay.  We need more strength, less fear and certainly less compassion.  We need to be able to look at a man twisting on the cross and poke a spear in his guts just to ask if he has learned the error of his ways yet - or would he like to stay up there a little longer to reflect on it ?  Instead we are nurturing people who would rather jab a fellow in the organs so that he bleeds out before the true suffering of his crucifixion has even begun.  Such namby-pamby-ness will corrode every aspect of daily life and will ultimately be our undoing. 

"Mark my words; as our markets fill up with new luxuries our people will aspire only to buy things to enjoy while others do their hard work.  What happens when the workers want to be paid with money so they too can buy these new frivolities ?  When they are no longer content to work for food, a bag of salt and a place to sleep ?  

"A case in point; I saw your friend Quasinudus give five whole denarii for some new fabric from the east called 'silk'.  The material was so light, sheer and indecently transparent as to be almost invisible for all intents and purposes.  When she wrapped it around her body it was plain for all to see that the 'most intimate caress' she intended for her husband that evening was feted to be yet another bristly disappointment.  It is perhaps no wonder that her husband is such close friends with the dealer of Nubian slaves.  The hair on Nubian bodies is said to be even more sparse than their desert."

"Husband, please do not be vulgar," implored Calpurnia gently.  

"Remember that hair removal is a very delicate skill and not all of our friends can retain the best attendants."

"Then believe me when I say that we need better friends," Caesar shrugged dismissively.  "Where was I?  Yes!  Exactly.  And after the workers demand their own money, this will naturally make women - who are famously fickle - feel insecure and disadvantaged, so they too will want their own money to buy the trinkets that they see all the workers buying.  Once women have money then female emancipation will be inevitable.  They will want to have their own friends, throw their own parties, have their own vacations and to take their own lovers.  It follows they will want to own their own slaves or heaven forbid their own property.  In time they will demand the power to divorce their husbands or perhaps to sully their husband's name in public - perhaps even on whimsical grounds like his infidelities with a stable-boy or for some well-deserved flogging which she took exception to.  Men will be reduced to living in fear of taking a mistress or chastising a wife on account of the revenge she will extract on him.  The shrewdest women will want to vote in the senate and, by Jupiter, to even become senators themselves.  Believe me it is the complete collapse of civilisation which rests in the balance."

"But Husband dearest," cooed Calpurnia, trying to slow Caesar's mounting anxiety.  "You can foresee all this mayhem by simply giving women access to money ?  Most of the wives I know do not care for their own money since they are quite content to spend their husband's.  I think perhaps you paint this picture just a little too darkly." 

"No, not dark enough my Wifelet !", insisted Caesar, "For in addition to all I have discussed, the most insidious treachery will be when these people become entitled to their own opinions !  Can you imagine the chaos ?  Just look at our wretched senate; paralysed by vacuous speeches by crusty old senators just simply wanting to hear their own voices. I would have them all culled if they did not represent the noblest families of Rome."

"Oh ?  Not that you need their patronage, Husband?" asked Calpurnia coyly. 

"Now imagine for a moment," continued Caesar in full flow, "if everyone going about their daily business had opinions on the issues of the day and each wanted to be heard.  After the wise have shared their wisdom the mediocroties would simply repeat what their betters have said while the imbeciles would share any nonsense not to feel ignored.  We could spend all of this lifetime and half of the next just listening to what everybody has to say, not reaching any consensus and definitely not getting anything done.  Our decision making would seize like rigor mortis as the wheels of the western world ground to a halt.  We have no time to listen to everybody's opinion just to allow followers to feel as valuable as leaders.  There is simply not enough good humour to fake that kind of sincerity across an entire Republic."   

 

"Oh Husband, please do not vex yourself further," implored Calpurnia, "opinions are like butts; everyone has one and very few actually deserve the attention they attract.  Most are a bitter soup of superstition, misinformation and prejudice at best."

The 'modest' Farnese Hercules leaning on his trademark club, draped in the skin of the Nemian lion

Caesar continued; "Believe me Calpurnia; last week people were twittering in the forum that we should clothe the new statue of Hércules because some bawdy wives point to his athletic form to mock their chubby menfolk.  This week I learned someone actually took a chisel to the statue overnight to remove his generously proportioned dangler since it represented an 'unattainable exaggeration of perfection'.  Does nobody recall that Hercules was a hero; the strongest, bravest and most powerful of men such that he was finally immortalised as a god ?  Should the statue portray him as an overweight, balding, drunk só he does not offend the sensitivities of Rome's overindulgent, under-exercised, salad-dodging husbands ?  Perhaps the sculptor should adorn Hércules with a dangler the size of an acorn or cover him with a fig leaf in case we make our diminutive Oriental traders feel insecure ?  Are we breeding husbands so cuckolded that they would have our monuments censured to spare them a gentle ribbing from their own wives ?  How long will it be before we have to stop lauding our victors for fear of upsetting the vanquished ? "

"Oh darling," dismissed Calpurnia, "the statue of Hércules is a masterpiece and those intimately acquainted with the sculptor's model assure me that his dangler is neither unattainable, exaggerated or anything less than pure perfection.  I have heard him described as a god who can be had here on earth.  Only 10 denarii gets you a private half-hour which is guaranteed to leave even the most sturdy knees trembling.  His ravishing of Pusillanimus rendered her so delirious she was carried back to her divan quoting scripture, unable to even remember her own name.  Meanwhile I am told poor Noncholantus Maximus was unable to walk for a whole week for fear of his hips dislocating after his 'submission'."

"I'll remind you Wifey that just now you asked me not to be vulgar," retorted Caesar with just a little smirk. "Perhaps we should invite this model to the palace one evening?  Don't we have a duty to verify the integrity of Rome's artists from time to time."

"Oh indeed? A delicious idea Husband; I shall fix something for next week," purred Calpurnia. "Now tell me, may we finally leave The Furies to amuse themselves here around our pool so that you and I may return to bed without them before the skies start to lighten ?  Or is the Keeper of the Republic troubled by anything more ?".

"I am sorry to burden you with my troubles, Wifey," confessed Caesar genuinely. "Let's return to bed and tell the servants we will sleep a little late.  Tomorrow is a day of rest so perhaps I can read some campaign reports to check what fun our legions are having on the frontiers.  Maybe it is still not too late to enjoy a blizzard on a British beach this year.  Anything is preferable to the mindless chatter in the forum.  

"Fresh drinking water maybe, 'monsterous carbuncle' I call it, just to keep the city folk happy.

Absolutely ruins the countryside for everyone who lives here - shameful I say." 

"The next time I hear someone complain that our aqueducts are a blot on the landscape or that children should drink milk rather than wine, or that there ought to be a minimum age for marriage or how nice it would be to have private toilets in our houses, or god forbid we should not be allowed to conceal blades about our person, I swear I shall personally take a branding iron to their tongue, after all there seems no end to it.  From now on I shall refer to all this ill-informed, good-intentioned, holier-than-thou, molly-coddling as simply; WAKE.  It will be my own nose in the air to those who think 'We All Know Everything'.  Honestly Calpurnia I sincerely hope to be dead before the day when we have to start apologising for simply living as Romans."