Equality, Diversity & Inclusion

A decade away from home leaves you with some serious catching-up to do when you finally return.  Things subtly moved on while you were away and are not quite the same as you remember.  At some point dogs became welcome in shops and pubs, where drinkers now snort gas from silver cylinders while enjoying their pint.  And everywhere we go and in everything we do, we not only have to include everybody - but we have to consider their feelings too.   

In today's ever-changing social landscape it really is essential to ensure we leave nobody feeling left behind, left out or indeed feeling too left wing by our bold opinions. We need to give everyone a chance to be heard so we do not accidentally favour those with the loudest voices. The policies of equality, diversity and inclusion are important in all aspects of how we conduct ourselves; which includes fairly apportioning how we give offence. We must ensure that we offend all people equally to ensure none feel overlooked, ignored or unworthy of being slighted.

This week I reprimanded myself for not having offended enough short people. I admit I am totally to blame; I do not meet many shorties in my line of work so I should have gone out of my way to make the effort to find more to offend them as regularly as I offend women with a lisp, born-again vegans and men who wear corduroy.

Corduroy pants ?  .... Definitely maybe

Corduroy pants ?  .... Definitely not

All that said, this month I went some way to redeeming myself. We recently hired an insipid overseas taxation specialist who would be challenged to arm-wrestle my 8 year old daughter. On his first day in the office I could not help noticing the dopey Hobbit took something of a shine to 'Leggy Nerris' in Corporate Finance.  He confidently took an empty  desk across the office floor which faced her direction. Noticing his daftly lovestruck disposition I resolved we must have no such frivolity in the work place. If equality means anything it means that each day in the office should be as long, boring and miserable for him as it is for the rest of us, so I decided to put him in his place immediately while boosting my quota of offending short people.

Leggy Nerris - perhaps a mountain too high for a Hobbit ?

Bilbo Baggins of The Shire, 

going nowhere quickly, especially in cordurouy pants !

Taking a desk next to the lovestruck Bilbo I also availed myself of the same charming view of Nerris. Each time she tucked her hair behind her ear, she glanced over in our direction at which point I looked up to drop her a cheeky wink before our shy Mr Baggins of The Shire could oafishly return a toothy grin. The more she enjoyed our attention, the more vexed he became. Just for a joke I raised my chair a little, so I could keep her in view over the top of my monitor. The daft munchkin took this very seriously, raising his chair so he too could peer over his screen. I couldn't resist so I also raised my chair to be a whole head higher than my monitor. He tried the same but of course his chair reached its limit, leaving him no option but to sit on his rolled-up overcoat to be equally visible to Nerris.

After lunch it was time to up the ante so I literally escalated the matter; I raised my desk so I could stand, affording Nerris a clear view of my broad shoulders in addition to my dazzling eyes. Fun Size quickly found the button to elevate his desk too, which he did until it was equal height to mine. The difference being that while my desk was at the level of my navel, his was at the height of his chest. Half an hour later I raised my desk to the height of my chest, which he immediately matched by raising his desk to the height of his shoulders. By this point he was having to look up at his monitor and under it to see Leggy Nerris.

Adjustable desks - endless fun for people with no work to do

"Excuse me," he finally said with obvious exasperation, "I am just going to step out for a moment."

"Oh?", I pressed, "Will you be back shorty?"

"Excuse me?", he asked, "What did you say ?"

"I asked," enunciating slowly; " 'Will you be back shortly?' "

"I see," he replied, unconvinced, with a forced smile. 

"I will be back 'very soon'."

"Oh I see, so you will be back in just a smidget, will you ?", I asked mischievously.

"I'm sorry, what is a 'smidget'?", he enquired, making his irritation clear at last.  

"To my knowledge you have almost certainly just made that up."

"Absolutely nothing of the sort dear chap," I entreated.  

"Quite obviously a 'smidget' is a diminutive of 'smidge'; a small, brief or short amount of time or stuff, you know ?"

"Oh? Really? No ! I don't know," he rebuked.

"Well, in any case," I continued, "be sure to drop into the bakery on your way back to bring something for Nerris, shortcake." I suggested.

"Excuse me ?" demanded the demented sprout for the second time in as many minutes.

"Yes you heard; 'shortcake' !" I repeated.

"I hear she has quite a fondness for shortcake. You never know, it might put you in her good books."

"Ah, OK," he replied, "Many thanks for the advice, very sporting."

"Yes of course. Just be sure to pass right by The Queen's Head without stopping in for a half-pint," I cautioned and with this I tipped him a wink.

At this the grumpy gnome became quite irate, displaying the kind of deliciously animated behaviour which is rarely seen in an office these days. He pulled off his jacket, balled his fists, hit the desk a little harder than planned, winced slightly then fixed me with a furious stare before shouting in a fit of purple pique and spittle;

"If you are trying to be witty I would suggest you are falling somewhat 'short'.
Even shorter than me ! Ha, ha, ha !
Half-pint, Shortcake, Shorty, Midget !

"Do tell ! Do you make these up all by yourself or do you need help - like from some pre-schooler perhaps ?
Maybe I can offer some suggestions ? 

You should write down some of these to use in future.

"Let's start with some simple examples, eh, using the word short,
'Well he seems to have a rather short fuse'
Or maybe;
'My how short-tempered he is'

"You could always mix in some astonishment;
'Whose salad did the shrimp crawl out from ?'
Or perhaps a literary reference;
'Where did you find the Lilliputian? '

"Of course euphemisms and irony never go out of style. How about;
'So vertically challenged he was overlooked as the next Emperor of France'
Or just for fun, how about some alliteration?
'The stumpy, dumpy, runt'. "

At this point the daft leprechaun rashly climbed onto his chair for dramatic effect, pointed down at me accusingly and concluded;

"I swear I have heard them all before and many more. 

They were, without exception, all better than your feeble attempts at mockery."

With this he proudly thrust out his chest and stamped his foot, causing the chair to roll out from under him, pitching him forward in a ghastly improvised swan dive, face-first into the floor between our two desks where he found the decency to lay motionless and quiet at last.

Leggy Nerris sprang deftly across the room - which was quite the accomplishment given her stilettos and pencil skirt. She stood beside me, seized my arm and looked down forlornly at the motionless dwarf before turning her pleading eyes searchingly up to meet mine.

"I must know, honestly," she breathed heavily, her bosom heaving gently against me. "Were you really going to say any of those horrid things to him ?"

"Of course not," I replied, cooly adjusting my tie. "Such words never crossed my mind.  I was merely going to remind him to close the cat-flap on his way out."