Local Yokels & Country Bumpkins

Two decades of working abroad teach you many ways to negotiate the language barrier.  But nothing quite prepares you for setting up home in the West Country, only to find you cannot understand the locals. 

The Severn Bridge and the Prince of Wales Bridge spanning the Severn Estuary:

connecting the West Counrty to Wales

Me: "I say!"

Her: "'Hello my luvely, what can I do for you today ?"

"Woud you by any chance know how to get to Down ?"

"Well yes I should say I do, thank you."

"Er well, could you perhaps tell me how to get to Down ?"

"Well yes, it's jolly easy really, I'm sure most folks around here could probably tell you."

"Ah well quite.  I'm sorry to say I'm not from around here, so would you please be so kind as to tell me just how easy it is ?"

"Well now, which Down are you looking for exactly ?  Upper Down or Lower Down ?"

"Ah, now that's a good question to be fair. 

Is there much between them?"

"Well, not much - except Middle Down of course.  But it doesn't have a fair I'm afraid.  The fair comes twice a year but only to Upper Down you see."

"Oh right, quite, I see."

"Then again you can't see the sea from Upper Down on account of Upper Down being too low down.  You would really need to go up to Lower Down if you want to see the sea."

"Really?"

"Yes, really! Why ?"

"You mean to say that you can't see the sea from Upper Down because Upper Down is actually lower down than Lower Down ?"

"Well yes, of course it is."

"Sorry, but why on earth would Upper Down be lower down than Lower  Down ?"

"Well why on earth wouldn't it be ?  It's always been like that, at least as long as I can remember.  

Why would it be any different today ?"

"Right, I see. Sounds fair I suppose."

"Yes but remember you can see the sea but you won't find the fair up in Lower Down."

The West Country has a population of 3 million sheep or one for every two humans. 

"Well it's actually a pub I'm looking for."

"A pub you say? In Down ?"

"Yes quite. Why ? Are there many pubs in Down ?"

"Well that depends. Do you mean Upper Down or Lower Down ?  Because there's no pub in either I'm afraid."

"And in Middle Down ?"

"Ah yes there's a pub in Middle Down."

"Is the pub called The Ship's Cox by any chance ?  I think that's the one I'm looking for. "

"Ah yes, The Ship's Cox indeed; it's the only pub in Middle Down."

"And is it easy to find? The Ship's Cox?"

"Oh yes, very easy, no trouble at all."

"Well could you tell me how to find it ?"

"Well of course, anyone from around here could tell you how to find it. "

"Then please would YOU be so kind as to tell ME how to find it ? "

"Ah well it's very easy, The Ship's Cox is in Middle Down right next to the chip shop."

"And how might I find the chip shop ?"

"Well that's even easier, 'cos it's right next to... the… er...."

"Let me guess; The Ship's Cox ?"

"There you are, you got it in one.  Told you it was easy didn't I ?  Well anyway, good luck finding it.  Whatever happens I certainly hope you don't miss it. "

"Really ? Why ? What happens if I miss it ?"

"Well Middle Down's a small place you see.  If you pass through too quickly, you could miss it entirely, which might be unfortunate."

" 'Unfortunate', how so ?"

"Well, then you might arrive at Down End, which is rarely a good thing."

"Down End ?"

"Yes, many an unlucky traveler has wandered into Down End and never came out again.  They come to a sticky end in Down End, if you get my drift."

"Well do go on, I'm fascinated.  Is all of Down End dodgy or is there some part in particular ?"

"Well one end of Down End is quite OK, it's the 'other' end where bad things tend to happen."

"And could you tell me which end is the 'other' end of Down End?"

"Oh yes definitely I could tell you, anyone from around here could.  Or for that matter, anyone from Down End itself.  Either end of Down End, I'm sure."

"Well would YOU please be so kind as to tell ME which end is the 'other' end of Down End?"

"Well yes, naturally the far end of Down End is the 'other' end; always has been for as long as I can remember.  Always assuming that you're coming from this end of Down End of course."

"Of course..."

"Because of course if you were coming from the far end of Down End then that end would then be the 'other' end while this end, though being the the far end, it wouldn't in fact be the 'other' end so it would in fact be quite safe of course."

"Of course, that's most clear, thank you for your time."

"Oh don't mention it. Quite simple really, isn't it?"

"Yes, quite and maybe."

"But before you set off, are you sure the pub you're looking for isn't the Whip's Cross or the Witch's Crux ?"

"Why do you ask ?  I thought the Ship's Cox was the only pub in Middle Down."

"Ah true enough indeed, but the Whip's Cross is just over in Under Down you see, whereas the Witch's Crux nestles just under Over Down, neither of which are to be confused with either eider down, upside down, Down Under, over-done or under-done, all of which would be quite silly, wouldn't it ?"

"Oh yes, that would be quite silly, indeed."

"Don't worry my lovely; you'll be fine unless you get lost somewhere between Alveston, Olveston, Ulveston, Ilveston and Elveston.  Then I'd say you'd be in a bit of a pickle.